Trying to contain my laughter as I write this, I'm still hypnotized by this piece of artwork they call a cover, maybe it's the intertwining pattern of the gold chains, the hydraulic cloudy bubbles swimming in the background, the old-man sweatshirt with the Victorian portrait of our main host who seems to be completely out of touch with the times, the 90s bowl-cut emo hair, the hidden leaf village chilling in the background, it's like he's in a competition against William Hung for who has the least swag.
I think the guy in the middle is Koitama, and the two little gremlins to the left and right of him are the producers Aiwabeatz and Shot-Arrow. One of them obviously has a case of down syndrome and the other attended a special school at early age. Actually I get it, the guy on the right (presumably Shot-Arrow) is trying to go for that Tyler Wolf simulacrum simulating a sophisticated retard, pushing his index against his chin, staring longingly at the camera, and those elf ears being his sole distinct feature, they say it's all about inner beauty, and even Einstein lives within the most wretched of imbeciles. Maybe they got something going for here that's just going over my head.
We'll just see about that.
1. Intro-Hello (Prod. Aiwa-Beatz) - I have to rate this because on most Japanese Hip-Hop albums, an intro or a skit would just be a minute long instrumental, and sometimes the instrumental would be the best beat on the album, which usually drives me nuts. The first 5 seconds of this beat is serious, making me think it's gonna be a wasted banger, but then the beat starts and it's "just" a lively trumpet sample, but it actually gets better more I listen to it. 3.5/5
2. Party People (Prod. Aiwa-Beatz) - Well, then the first actual songs begins in a very unconvincing fashion. If this is the very first song that Koitama has made, then this definitely has a dark foreboding towards his rap career. It's not battle rap, not swag rap, no bragging anywhere to be found, and a part of the lyrics goes like this "good morning, good afternoon, good evening, welcome to the late premier show/ we eat caramel popcorn while chilling at jumperland in the middle of the world/we make you forget everything about 9-5/wear nike-air ones and jump off". This guy's delivery makes it sound like he's rapping from the 70s. This beat at least sounds modern, albeit uninteresting, but it's the only thing holding up the song. And I'm thinking there's something seriously wrong with Koitama, but overall I've heard worse. Not completely terrible. 2.5/5
3. Big Love (Prod. Aiwa-Beatz) - Now I know what's wrong this guy. This can no longer be ignored. The problem with Koitama is that he doesn't know how to rap, not only that, I don't even think he knows what Hip-Hop is. I guarantee that Aiwa-Beatz and Shot-Arrow snatched this poor random kid off the beaten road from old Leaf Village and forced a microphone in his face. At this point, Koitama is just talking over the song, kind of like Prodigy from '99 onward, except Prodigy sounds like Twista and Mystikal combined compared to him. I mean the lyrics are full-retard at this point, they don't even rhyme, no flow, no rhythm. This only thing good about this song is the beat, which has a nice keyboard rhythm and a "love" feel going for it. 1.5/5
4. Playing ft. DKXO (Prod. Aiwa-Beatz) - What kind of a rap name is DKXO? Seriously what the hell wrong with these guys? Are they from another planet or something? I mean why not DFFK? Or ZKEY? or AXFG? However right here is where the mixtape does pick up a little. This beat sounds like a Tyler or Earl production because of distinct, skeletal and irrhythmic pattern going for it which is really nice but the rapping is just seriously putting me to sleep. This dude has no charisma at all, I've probably never heard a more boring rapper in my life. Masta Killa is like workout-music compared to this guy. 3.5/5
5. Diskunion (Prod. Aiwa-Beatz) - Diskunion is a record store somewhere in the remote hidden corners of Tokyo, and there you can get all your rare Japanese Hip-Hop vinyls and show it off to your Japanese friends, or disgust them and sever your friendship forever. And judging by Koitama's enthusiasm on this track, I'm sure he's never been to the store once in his life. But even if he did go there how excited can you get about a song where a man professes his love to a store? This song is just putrid garbage, and as bland as that sweatshirt on the cover. The beat is pretty decent, so it gets a point from that. 1/5
6. Interlude (Prod. Shot-Arrow) - Ahh, a skit. Which means it's gonna be a good song. And it is, it's a ballroom jazz sample that's done well, I'm thinking they should have just let this song be 15 minutes long and have it take over the rest of the album. 4/5
7. Episode 0 (Prod. Shot-Arrow) - Shot-Arrow shows Aiwa-beatz how it's done. I don't know what herbal leaves or what demonic green tea he conjured up, but he has awoken the great Koitama. For once, Koitama sounds energetic and interested in rapping, and actually has as a semblance of a flow, and even lyrically Koitama manages to not fumble with his words. "I get ready to head to the studio/Got my fish and sticks, with my pen and pad next to me/Bout to write a song for my girl/Set up the joint for the weekend/Plug in the MPC/ I set the micstand, lock on and ready to spit, one two check ". So he talks about the process of setting up the recording equipment, which is pretty original and interesting, it's not something you ever hear about in other rap songs. And then of course the hard-thumping piano keys in this beat is just rocking. The song is also under 2 minutes long so it ensures that you will be awake before the song ends. 4.5/5
8. Party People (Prod. Shot-Arrow) - This beat by Shot-Arrow is just flat-out ridiculous, and it actually fits Koitama's style of "zen-rapping, the way of non-rapping". It has that carefree attitude in its riffs and is extremely catchy and playful, while maintaining the Hip-Hop vibe at the same time. The lyrics stay the same, but this remix does feel like you're in a good party eating caramel popcorn. 4/5
9. Big Love (Prod. Shot-Arrow) - This beat right here happens to be worse than Aiwa-Beatz version, lots of soft high piano keys, but it sounds bland to put it nicely. The lyrics, as I said before, barely rhyme even its original Japanese, but he pretty much paints a picture of him going on a date with his dream girl, sounds like some Backstreet Boys shit right here "The taxi passes across the train station/That's where the place of our Rendevouz/ The bubbles in the champaign popping left and right/we're gonna have a good time tonight... and the hook is embarrassingly bad.."kiss me, touch me baby/ It's only love, baby/ feel me, let me crazy/ It's only big love/ Yeah, easily one of the worst hooks of all time. Nothing can save this one. 1.5/5
10. Outro (Prod. Shot-Arrow) - This is probably the second best beat on the entire album behind Episode 0. I mean, you'll love this the minute you hear it. It's a standard Hip-Hop beat, sounds like something from the Wu camp, either Cilvaringz or Bronze Nazareth. The soul sample is just crooning with emotion. And of course they waste it on an outro, but this time it's a good thing, you won't have Mr. Excitement Koitama ruining it for us. 4/5
I don't really know what I got out of from this mixtape. All I know is that Shot-Arrow is probably a better producer than Aiwa-beatz, from the miniscule sample presented here. As a rapper, Koitama fails in just about every way, it feels that he's trying to mimic another Japanese rapper who goes by the name of ERA except without any of the passion or the love for the music. He uses the same, familiar low-drone in his voice while his rapping sounds as if he's reading a textbook. At least ERA has great lyrics and he has a great voice to back it up. Listening to this mixtape is equivalent to doing housework, vacuuming the floor, wiping the tables, cleaning the freaking toilet, it's stuff that you just don't ever want to do. I know I gave some songs high scores but they're more in an individual sense, as a mixtape I cannot listen to this all the way through, in any way shape or form. There are some good production, one song where Koitama displays some acknowledgement that he's actually trying to make music, but other than that, there is nothing remotely interesting about this. This mixtape is free for download but I'm not even posting the link, you find it yourself if you want. I'm just embarrassed that I even know these dude's websites.
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